| I was drawn to programming, science, technology and science fiction | |
| ever since I was a little kid. I can’t say it’s because I wanted to | |
| make the world a better place. Not really. I was simply drawn to it | |
| because I was drawn to it. Writing programs was fun. Figuring out how | |
| nature works was fascinating. Science fiction felt like a grand | |
| adventure. | |
| Then I started a software company and poured every ounce of energy | |
| into it. It failed. That hurt, but that part is ok. I made a lot of | |
| mistakes and learned from them. This experience made me much, much | |
| better. I’m satisfied with that. | |
| What’s not ok is *how* things ended. Many of the investors turned out | |
| to be bloodthirsty vultures who tore the carcass to pieces. Had we | |
| IPO’ed, these same people would have stood there with giant smiles | |
| telling everyone how they’d always known we were special and how | |
| they’d supported us all along. | |
| I lost many friends. Throughout the whole thing I was lucky to meet | |
| many brilliant, creative, talented people. Together, we worked *so* | |
| hard. Now we don’t talk. | |
| I spent a lot of time thinking about how I contributed to these failed | |
| relationships. I learned a lot from that too. It wasn’t my finest | |
| hour, but I can sleep at night fine. So I eventually decided it’s | |
| mostly nobody’s fault. This is just the reality of what happens to | |
| people when extreme stress ends in failure. | |
| Then I worked for a tech giant, and then for a high-growth unicorn. It | |
| shocked me how dilbertesque they both were. Full of politicians, and | |
| burnt out engineers in golden handcuffs who can’t wait to get out, and | |
| meaningless business speak, and checked out employees who pretend | |
| they’re “excited” about everything all the time. The young, wide-eyed | |
| engineers seem hopelessly naive to me now. | |
| So the worst case scenario is that you get eaten by vultures and lose | |
| friends. And the best case scenario is that you’re in a soulless | |
| machine that turns everyone into an automaton. I know that’s not the | |
| whole picture. It’s not even most of the picture. But that’s the part | |
| I can’t unsee. | |
| For a long time I couldn’t focus on any remotely intellectual pursuit. | |
| I even thought I permanently damaged my brain. But eventually I | |
| started exercising, went on anti-depressants, and started therapy. | |
| Then I got a job that has nothing to do with technology. Slowly my | |
| happiness returned, and with it my ability to focus. I do a lot of | |
| sports now and hang out with my non-techy friends and my wife. I cook | |
| a lot. I got into knot theory. I find it fascinating and can do it for | |
| hours. I’m surprisingly not bad at it. So I know I still have my | |
| faculties. | |
| But I still can’t program, can’t write, can’t think of new products, | |
| can’t read science fiction. I’m mostly happy, but there is always a | |
| hint of dissatisfaction underneath. I miss the creative, optimistic | |
| person I once was. I want to see past the cynicism. I want to write | |
| programs and make things. I want to work with a ragtag team again to | |
| bring something to life that didn’t exist before. I want to learn how | |
| to see past the bullshit and be creative again. But I can’t get myself | |
| to do it. I hear the call and I know there’s still a spark. But when I | |
| take even the smallest step everything turns bleak and mundane. It’s | |
| like the magic has been bled out of me and I don’t know how to summon | |
| it back. | |
| Has anyone been through this who managed to recover their optimism and | |
| creative spirit? Please help me. What can I do? |